


Dying for Pie

by foldedchip



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords
Genre: Based on a SpongeBob SquarePants Episode, Gen, Humor, One Shot, SpongeBob SquarePants References, Spongebob Voice: The Gang's All Here, blue is squidward, but this isn't necessarily romantic, changed some of it because of context, i ship him and blue so much, i tried to copy the dialogue word-for-word, if you like spongebob and four swords then this one's for you, just about their relationship in general, red is my son, red is spongebob, sorry - Freeform, there's no krusty krab though, this episode cracked me up so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 16:33:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17687057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foldedchip/pseuds/foldedchip
Summary: if you haven't seen the spongebob episode, then you will be extremely confusedif you have, READ IT please





	Dying for Pie

The warm, sweet scents of Castle Town’s bakery contrasted Blue’s cold, bitter demeanor. As he opened the worn wooden door, a little bell chimed on its doorframe.

 

This little two-week “volunteer project” that Green had shoved into the hands of himself and the other Four Swords was a total bother.

 

He’d insisted that because their adventure was over, they ought to at least help those in need. When he’d heard that the Castle Town bakery was understaffed, he’d insisted that he and the others help them out.

 

Didn’t mean that Blue had agreed to something as stupid as  _ this _ , though.

 

“Good morning, Blue!” Green beamed.

 

Blue weakly stuck his tongue out at him.

 

Green didn’t flinch at his display of disrespect. “Are you ready?”

 

“To go home?” Blue grumbled.

 

Green led him to a ratty booth that an excited Red, bored-looking Vio, and sleeping Shadow occupied. A mess of poorly-wrapped gifts was stashed under the table.

 

“No, to exchange gifts for Four-Sword Brotherhood Day!” he used his best “encouraging teacher” voice like it would make it bearable.

 

Blue crossed his arms. “Green, you’re  _ not _ not paying me to stand behind this register and take orders and give change. But you could never  _ actually _ pay me to act brotherly toward-” he made a show of gesturing to Red, who was wiping off the table with a spinning scrubber. “THAT guy.”

 

At that moment, Red curiously turned the machine around and scrubbed his face, leaving his hair poking out in several different directions and his face covered in dark suds. He giggled.

 

Green attempted to hide a cringe at Red’s behavior. He failed. “That attitude of yours is precisely why we’re having this little shenanigan. Now pay attention, the lad’s got a surprise for you.”

 

Blue dropped himself into the booth, where dust was coughed from between the cushions.

 

Red leaned on his elbows, “Blue, in honor of Four-Sword brotherhood, I present to you a gift.”

 

He reached behind his back and pulled out a massive black sweater uglier than Tingle.

 

“Ta-da!” he cheered.

 

Upon closer inspection, the swirl of colors in the center was actually Blue’s face.

 

“‘I heart you’...” Blue muttered, reading the message in the messy stitches.

 

Green nudged him in the side, “Try it on, Blue!” he growled through his teeth. “It’s got  _ you  _ written all over it!”

 

Blue awkwardly struggled to pull his head through the monstrosity.

 

Red grinned, “I didn’t know how big to make the head, so I used a watermelon for size!”

 

Blue’s head suddenly popped out of the sweater, and he worked on maneuvering his arms into the sleeves.

 

“... It’s a little  _ itchy _ . What’s this thing made out of?”

 

Red batted his bare eyelids. “Eyelashes!”

 

Blue tore the thing from his body and hurled it at Red. He whimpered.

 

Blue sent a glare at Green, “Now, may I resume my minimum-wage duties?”

 

Green shook his head, “After you present  _ your _ Brotherhood gift.”

 

Blue bared his blunt teeth, “I’ll buy the little twerp a gumball.”

 

Green stubbornly held up his hands, “Oh no, no, no, no, Blue. You know the rules; you have to  _ make  _ the gift.”

 

Blue tugged the splintered door open. “The only thing I’m making is for the exit.”

 

When he opened the door, he was greeted with Red’s tear-stained face, and a sweater made out of water.

 

“Do you like this one any better, Blue? I made this one… With my  _ tears _ !” he blubbered.

 

Blue groaned and turned around, heading back inside.

 

“I knew you’d come around! Make him somethin’ nice” Green proclaimed.

 

Blue held out his arms, “Why can’t I just  _ buy _ something for the little weirdo?”

 

But, out the window, Blue could make out a crew hauling something into a ship, exasperated by a demanding captain.

 

“HEAVE, HO!” he bellowed, “IF YOU DROP ONE SLICE OF ME BOOTY, I’LL HAVE… YER  _ BOOTY _ !”

 

Blue scrambled through the back door of the bakery, rushing for the party. They were loading racks of steaming pies into the ship.

 

Blue slowed down and waved, “Hi, there! Those homemade pies sure look good…”

 

One of the crew members stopped and turned around, “Oh, there aren’t pies,” he corrected, “They’re bombs. They were made in a factory. A  _ bomb _ factory. They’re  _ bombs _ .”

 

“Oh, that’s too bad. I thought they were pies and I wanted to buy one,” he said, pulling out a wallet full of rupees.

 

The pie deliverers all looked at each other, and then at Blue.

 

The one who had spoken continued, “WAIT!”

 

He meandered over to Blue and scratched the back of his head, feigning innocence.

 

“We were just kidding about all that bomb stuff,” he stretched out his hand, “That’ll be 25 rupees, please.”

 

Blue dug into the wallet for a red and blue rupee, but paused.

 

“So, what flavor is it?” he asked.

 

“Cherry-”

 

“-Apple-”

 

“-Raspberry-”

 

Blue raised his eyebrows.

 

“Well, if it’ll get Green off my back,” he said, handing over the money.

  
  


Blue stormed over to the booth, slamming the pie down onto the table.

 

“Okay, here it is, Green. Fresh from the oven. I’ll be returning to my life now.”

 

Green held up a finger, “Not yet, I got to make sure you did it  _ right _ .”

 

He picked a piece of crust off of the pastry, but stopped just before it came to his lips.

 

He knitted his brow together skeptically, “Wait a second… This would go great with some milk!”

 

Green rummaged through his adventure pouch (he was still carrying that thing around?) and retrieved a glass of Lon-Lon milk.

 

He popped the cap and downed the bottle, knocking the tiny piece of pie onto the ground, where it exploded like a firework, destroying the table and wall behind it.

 

Green layed on the floor, jaw dropped. He then picked himself up and dusted himself off.

 

“So, you try to kill me over a little new-age leadership, huh?”

 

Blue grabbed his hands, “BUT GREEN, I CAN EXPLAIN!”

 

Green was about to respond, but he caught notice of the fact that the rest of the pie was nowhere in sight.

 

He and Blue turned their gaze to  _ Red _ .

 

“Hey, guys! Mm, mm, mm!” he said, noisily licking his fingers. “Thanks for the pie, Blue!” He turned for the door, singing loudly.

 

Green looked like me might be sick. He dashed for the restroom.

 

Vio watched, blank-faced. Then he turned to Blue. 

 

“You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears... and you kill him. How are you gonna live with yourself?”

 

“ _ Kill him?! _ ” Blue shuddered.

 

Blue imagined a cheerful Red offering a cookie to a customer. ‘Here’s your order, sir!’ ‘Thanks.’ Red exploded into a million tiny pieces as the customer bit into his cookie.

 

Blue grabbed Vio on the shoulders, back to reality. “WE GOTTA CALL A HOSPITAL!”

 

“Won’t do any good. I’ve seen this before. When that pie goes up to bat-- I mean-- hits his lower intestine… Boom.” Vio explained, a dark expression on his face.

 

“You’ve seen this before?!” Blue cried.

 

“Eleven times, as a matter of fact.” Vio looked away.

 

Blue refused to take that kind of an answer. He rushed for the phone by the register and dialed 911.

 

“Yes, hello, doctor? Hospital? Won’t do any good?!  _ ELEVEN TIMES?! _ ” he slammed the phone back down with a snarl. “Oh, he’s a goner!” Blue wrung his hat in his hands. “How do we tell him?!”

 

The two looked across the bakery at Red. He was gleefully wiping off a table, singing as he went, apparently having forgotten about the earlier incident.

 

Vio’s eyes softened as he watched the boy. He took a deep breath and slowly let it go. “Don’t tell him. That’ll only make him feel worse. The way I see it, he’s only got ‘til sunset. Why ruin his last day in Hyrule? The lad deserves to enjoy his final hours.”

 

Big tears pricked at Blue’s eyes, and he began to bawl against the Violet-clad hero. “You’re right, Vio! I’m gonna make Red’s final hours the best he’s ever had!” He stamped his fist to his heart. 

 

“And this time, there’s gonna be  _ LOVE _ !”

 

Blue headed for the boy oblivious to his own fate.

 

“So much, he’s gonna  _ DROWN _ in it!”

 

Vio flinched when Blue smiled.

 

“ _ Drown in it! _ ”

 

Vio stood still for a moment before he crouched down to Shadow.

 

“Note: watch out for Blue.”

  
  


Blue sweated nervously, “Uh… Red?”

 

Red turned around from cleaning the table, beaming.

 

“What, Blue?”

 

Blue shuddered with anxiety, “I-I f-forgot to t-tell you that’s there’s a p-p-part  _ two _ … To your gift.”

 

Red gasped, drawing his hands to his pink cheeks. “Part two?! pART TWO PART TWO PArt TWO PART TWO PART TWO!!” he shouted, bouncing up and down on his toes.

 

Blue held his hands up in revulsion, “Please, don’t do that.”

 

Red stopped, “Oh, uh… What’s the part two?”

 

Blue clasped his hands together. “Well, what’s the most  _ fun _ thing you can think of?” he asked, pulling a crooked smile.

 

“Actually, I keep a  _ list _ of the most fun things  _ I  _ can think of!” Red exclaimed. “I call it my Friendship List.”

 

He pulled a long, long,  _ long _ list out from behind his back. The two boys watched as it unfurled along the floor.

 

Blue gulped, “Great. Let me see it…” he reached for the end of the list and Red handed it over.

 

Blue looked over the list, pulling it up as he read.

 

“The things that are most fun are written in red.” Red tittered, holding his hands up to his face again.

 

Blue looked over with a smile plastered to his face. “Everything’s in red.”

 

“Yeah, I know!” Red squealed.

 

Blue put a hand on his hip to keep a casual cover. “Well, we better hurry so that we can get through this list before you die…”

 

A crooked look etched itself onto Red’s face.

 

“...Of anticipation.”

 

The expression melted away. “Then let’s roll!” Red cheered, pumping his fists into the air.

 

In the back of the room, Vio began to cry and put a Help Wanted sign on the window.

 

As Red and Blue began to walk outside, Red leaned in closer. “Heads up, Blue. Looks they’re gonna replace ya.”

Blue remained silent. 

“Well, now we’re onto our first activity!” Red said.

 

Blue frowned, “Which is…?”

 

Red laughed, “I’m gonna show my best friend Blue to everyone in town, wearing an octorock suit!”

 

“You’re gonna be wearing an octorock suit?”

 

Red laughed again, “Ha ha ha! That’s a good one, Blue!”

 

An hour later, Red grinned, holding the hand of an angry Blue wearing a giant pink octorock suit.

 

Red got out his list and red pen.

 

“Check!”

 

  
  


“What’s next?”

 

“Knock-knock jokes!” Red pointed the pen at Blue, who sat on a large rock with him. “Hey Blue, knock-knock!”

 

“Who’s there…?” Blue grumbled.

 

Red giggled. “I am!”

 

Blue gave a dry laugh, “Ha-ha, oh yeah.”

 

Red checked knock-knock jokes off of his list.

  
  


“Beep! Beep! Beep! Look out everyone, friends in reverse!” Red marched across the street backwards. Blue saved him from a car.

 

“Check!”

  
  


“Turn left, and… STOP!” Red, who was strapped to Blue’s face, held up his hands (not like Blue could have even seen them, anyway) in emphasis.

 

He giggled, “See, that’s what it would be like to have me as a face!” he declared.

 

“I… I can’t  _ breathe _ .” came his muffled reply.

 

Red laughed, “Check!”

  
  


Blue groaned, running a hand down his bruised face. “What next?” he grumbled.

 

“Watch the sunset… With Blue.” Red said lovingly.

 

And it was then that Blue’s heart dropped in his chest. Out of everything that they’d done that day, nothing had affected him like Red’s sweet last request.

 

“... _ Sunset _ ?” he choked.

 

That memory of Vio came back as Blue swallowed a lump in his throat; “The way I see it, the lad’s got until sunset until that bomb hits his lower intestine.”

 

Red turned around with a wave, smiling at the imaginary Vio floating above Blue’s head. “Hi, Vio!” he exclaimed.

 

Imaginary Vio held his face in his hands and walked away, bawling.

 

“Okay, see you later!” Red chirped.

 

Blue drew a deep breath and put his arm around Red, “C’mon, buddy! You want a sunset, you’ll get a  _ sunset _ !” he exclaimed, gesturing to the beautiful view of the sun setting over Hyrule.

 

Red’s eyes shimmered as he bounced onto the ground with a thump, chin on his knees.

 

Blue sat down next to him, a hand in his golden hair.

 

“Ah, Hyrule’s sunsets sure are beautiful. Eh, Blue?”

 

Blue sat down next to him, holding his head between his knees.

 

“...Yeah.”

 

“Yeah, this is great…” Red sighed. “Just you, me, and this brick wall you built between us.”

 

Blue turned away from the brick wall wedged between the two of them.

 

“Y-yeah…” Blue chuckled nervously.

 

Red leaned back on his hands, “Sunsets always remind me of bowls of fruit. What do they make  _ you _ think of Blue?” he asked.

 

“Explosions. I-I mean, erosion!”

 

Red’s eyes shimmered with sincerity. “You know, if I were to die right now in some fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay.”

 

Blue began to tear up when Red burped.

 

“Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. Hey, smells like cherry! Maybe grape. Blueberry?”

 

Red’s thoughts snapped away from whatever that was and went right back to the moment he was spending with his best friend.

 

“Here it is! The sunset! I like to count it down.” he remarked, nudging a teary Blue. “Five! You do the rest, buddy!”

 

“F-four... th-three... Two…” Blue stuttered, “... _ One _ !” He desperately covered his head with his hands, anticipating the blow.

 

But he was greeted with silence.

 

“I guess we started too early! Let's start again!”

 

Blue took another deep breath and counted again.

 

“Five… Four… Thr-”

 

An explosion rocked the brick wall and made Blue jump with a cry.

 

“Three, two, _ o-o-ooone _ !” Blue sobbed. He wiped away a tear rolling down his cheek. “Well, at least I was able to make his last few hours meaningful.” Blue sighed, “I am such a good person.”

 

Blue began to relax when  _ another _ explosion erupted from behind the brick wall and caused it to fall over on Blue.

 

Red stood behind the wall, setting off bombs with his Fire Rod.

 

He turned around and grinned, “Hey, Blue! Check _ this _ out!”

 

The bomb sizzled by Red’s feet and popped with such vigor, Blue couldn’t understand how Red wasn’t frightened of it.

 

Blue held up his hands in disbelief, “You- b-but I- y-you-  _ you… _ ” he snarled.

 

“Blue, we already  _ played _ ‘Babble like an idiot’!”

 

“WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!” Blue shouted.

 

Red smiled, “Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I’d make a  _ new _ one!” Red pulled out a huge book from behind his back and poked through it. “I already filled up this book of ideas! We should be able to finish by January...”

 

Blue slapped the book onto the ground, where it landed with a thud. “FORGET THE BOOK! I spent the WHOLE DAY with you, doing all kinds of RIDICULOUS things, because you were supposed to  _ EXPLODE! _ ”

 

Red drew his eyebrows together, “You want me to explode?”

 

Blue’s hands shot up in frustration, “YES! That’s what I’ve been  _ waiting  _ for!”

Red held his hands together, “Um, okay… I’ll try…” He balled up his fists in mock fury, “ _ ZELDA! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT! _ ” he threw his head back in laughter and tumbled onto the ground, “Now it’s  _ your _ turn!”

 

“ _ THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BIGOCTO-HEAD!”  _ he screamed, jumping up and down.

 

Red gave a little clap, “Ooh, good one!”

 

“NO! You were supposed to EXPLODE into a MILLION PIECES!” Blue flapped his arms up and down in desperation.

 

Red cocked his head, “Why would I do that?”

 

“BECAUSE THE PIE YOU ATE WAS A BOMB!”

 

“What pie?” Red asked.

 

“The one that I left sitting on the  _ counter _ this morning that I bought from  _ pirates _ for 25 rupees, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it... _ th... that pie! _ ”

 

Red put a finger to his chin in thought, “Pie… Pie…” his eyes widened and he took the pie out from behind his back. “Oh! You mean  _ this _ pie! I was saving it in my pocket, for us to  _ share _ ! Let’s eat- whoops!” Red tripped on a rock and sent the pie flying directly into Blue’s face.

 

The force of the bomb’s eruption was so strong, a “BOOM” stung the two boys’ pointed ears, sending them flying backward.

 

The shock wave continued across the land.

 

For a moment, the only sound heard was rubble being knocked to the ground.

 

Blue, now in a destroyed Hyrule, stood covered in soot.

 

“Ouch.”


End file.
